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Dear dear diary  so i have been sitting here listening to music by REHAB, and sorting thru my music. I accidently deleted my playlist. GRRRR so i had to re-do it. My P!NK tickets came in the mail today. SO YEAH!!!! I'm too excited about that. I just have to figure out who is going with me! LOL everyone i have asked so far either has other things to do that day or has to work. Seems liek it wouldn't be hard to get rid of free tickets, but shit i guess i was wrong. I got my mom started on myspace. LOL that was a trip. Speaking of trips, we are planning a trip this long weekend. me and my mom that is. i dunno where we are gonna go. But i am excited. Shit anything to get outta brazoria. Anywayz I guess that is really all i have to say. I am trying, very slowly, to move on with my life.. but who knows. until later Current mood:  awake.Current music: REHAB. so had a weird experience last night. my mom's gf called me to ASK PERMISSION before she came over. Now that is a first! I was way amazed. She told me she jus felt like that was the right thing to do, and she wanted to make sure that i didn't have any objections to her coming over and to make sure i didn't feel weird about it. mind you she was way drunk when she got her, but she did seem kinda ok. she gave off the vibes of being a bit better than the other girls my mom has dated in the past. i mean she even offered to take me out shopping or whatever and shit like that. She wants me to ride on her friends pride float with them during the pride parade. And if that does happen that is gonna be SOOOOOO way awesome! But yeah... Then on top of that to make things even that much better, i got tickets to see P!NK when she comes to houston!!!! AND... i got a job at a dog groomers and will also be in training with a local vet to become a vet tech. Those things are the most awesome. life is really looking up for me right now and i have suddenly become way positive about the future! this is soo awesome. well i'm off here. until later journeys end when lovers meet Current mood:  too excited for words.Current music: P!NK, duh. man o man. what else does the world have in for me? I'm scared to ask yet eager to find out. I do guess i can say that the days aer getting easier...slightly. I jus don't even try to believe anyone anymore i think. I guess that means i have lost all faith. My racing mind kept me up all last night. I headed to bed early because i knew i had to get up early this morning to head to Sinton. So at a decent time i cut off my tv and grabbed a book to read. I figured that i would read a few pages and then be out. So i started reading, and then what i thought was o about 30 or so minutes later i looked at the clock and realized it was nearing 2am! so i cut off the lights and curled up in bed figuring i'd fall fast asleep. But no! of course not. My head started racing, and there was not a damn thing i could do to calm it. I was caught up in thoughts from years ago... it was insane. So to fight the thoughts off i flipped back on the light and continued reading until i finished the book i was reading (that makes the 4th book i have completed in a few weeks). Then i laid in bed waiting for the sound of mom's alarm clock, still trying to fight off those damn thoughts. Finally i gave up got outta bed, got dressed and went into the kitchen to make coffee. So now here i sit. drinking the coffee and typing my random pointless thoughts here for...? to read. I wish i could sort thru the things in my head. But gosh dang it, that process is gettting harder and harder each day i swear. The more shit i walk thru the more shit i remember. Random stupid shit, minor details to my life that feel like they are holding me back so much. Minor details that i am dwelling on way to hard. O the big stuff, i jus walk right thru that it seems, but all that little stuff is dragging me down. UGh! fuck you , fuck this, fuck that. (sorry had to get that out). ok well i am gonna go. gotta finish getting ready to leave. Current mood:  frustrated.Current music: delerium. yes scary i know. but it happens often here because i have nothing better to do. So anyways... even after my 30-day residential at TRS I'm still not for sure that i was getting the whole AA thing. I mean i liked the idea that i had a "disease" and all that because i mean come on it got me off the hook. But then i started thinking (the more i tried to use my disease as an excuse) that thinking like that really wasn't helping my situation. I mean how many years had i sat there already and blamed my alcoholism for everything that was going wrong in my life, and preaching that i needed/wanted to quit as i slammed another beer down just to roll another blunt. Right...? Right. then i was thinking a little more. I don't want to drink. but there is this other little voice in my head , my addictive voice, which i have realized i already knew quite well...Amanda... :) all jokes aside... she was controlling me... well i was letting her control me. i mean i was always like hey i don't really want to drink... but she was like ah one won't hurt you. and i always gave in. So today at the bookstore i picked up this interesting book. it caught my attention right off the bat because i did always feel like AA was a tad bit.... ok VERY cult-ish! so this book is called rational recovery, the new cure for substance addiction. it's the alternative to alcoholics anonymous. cha-ching! I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure AA has worked for many, but I'm not many. besides i always want to hear both sides of the story before i go deciding... (but getting tossed in the back of the truck and drug to rehab after getting a DWI and crashing my truck i didn't have much of an option but to sign myself in and submit to the soul searching and blah blah blah for the last 4 weeks). So ifinally get out of there.. and i am faced with the real world. And boy they wern't lying when they tell you the world doesn't stop because you go into rehab. So i get out and i realize i jus want my life back, because as of now i have NOTHING. i mean shit "the program" tells you to lose all your "old playmates and playpens" meaning i am not to talk to associate with any of the people i had been hanging out with. Now i was to attend AA meetings...the rest of my life and associate with people that had the same problem as i. I didn't like that too much. I mean geeze my buds were never the ones pouring the drinks down me or blowing the smoke into my lungs...well ok i can think of a few times they were, but i enjoyed it.. lol. but before i get off track... i mean i still have that nagging voice that tells me to drink or whatever... but i jus started acknowledging that it was there and not picking up that drink. and this book i can totally identify with. i mean my recovery is my deal. i jus need to learn to hear the addictive voice in me, while still listening to me. i have read about 45 pages of this book and already the confusion going on in my mind has settled... the "big book" states that you should get it in like the first... 65 pages or something.. but let me tell you i have read that book going on 3 times and it is still the most boring and confusing book. all i got was that i was powerless over myself... and fuck that but i think i have complete control over myself. i had complete control over pouring my first drink, smoking my first blunt, so shouldn't i have control over not getting another drink.... ok well i could ramble on forever and i will more later i assume... but i jus got the new p!nk cd and i am itching to listen to it.. and when it comes to the first listening experience...i have to focus all my attention on her. :) lates (wondering if this even sounds logical) Current mood:  contemplative.Current music: new P!NK cd. i hate friday and everything it stands for. for me that is mainly getting my paycheck and starting my weekend. i hate to get checks... because it makes me feel for lack of better words very cheap. it sucks to feel the worth of yourself thru your checks. and let me tell you my checks are small and very depressing. I'm so over it, yet i won't take the necessary steps to change it. why is that? I'm drinking red bull and jager... i'm on my second drink... i do't wanna be here... but i don't know where else i wanna be. i jus wanna hang around laura more... but it still seems like we make things so hard and complicated. and it sux. she tells me that i am putting my friends first, and it hurts for my to hear her say that because that is not how i feel. yet that is what i feel like i do. and it sucks. because no matter how i have made her out to be she isn't that person at all. I don't know why i made her out to be such a bad person... i mean i guess it is because i was scared and wanted myself to believe that because i am always on self destruct mode when things get to where they were with her. But she is th eonly one that i want to try to get past that stage with. all the others i hurt i felt bad for, and felt like shit... but with her it's so much more. I mean i am willing to give up myself for her, yet i don't do it...and that says alot to me... because i always jus give in.... and mind you i never regret the things i do or say...but i like that yet she has so much control over me... i can still stand up to be myself with her. because with everyone else i was like ok well i will be who ever you want me to be...or whoever i think you want me to be... but i am me with her... all the shitty things i do... and everything... i still bitch her out instead of conforming to it.... but yeah.. i need another drink.... Current mood: thoughtful.Current music: megan singing to random music. man o man. i hate... well envy sam living the life in hawaii. guess i am thinking about it because i am watching a movie called open water... i think. don't ask the relation... but anywz. life has been every entertaining lately. but i have been loving every minute of it. this week at least. who knows what will happen next week. ok so everyoe around here is geting sleepy so i guess tha ti am going to drop my rambling or what i attempted to start at and let the house pass out. goodnight... shrugs... i'm hungry...lol While not dangerous. Ducks and geese are territorial and may be aggresive expecially when nesting or feeding. jus so you know so i am tired of living a working for everyone else. i really want to figure out how to live life for myself. you know... not give a shit about what everyone in my life thinks. but why is tha tso hard to do? i took the kids to "goose park" tonight. it was nice to get away from everything and everyone. we jus hung out and chilled fore a bit... and shhh but i even had to take a piss under the pier. LOL So much weird shit has been going on lately. I mean i am not complaining... but it has all been a bit weird. I am seeing a counceler (sp?) and i never realized i could get so much outta someone. i mean shit i have a therapy session with myself over day before my session with the doc. and ihate to admit it but i think tha tthe time i spend with myself is better than all other times. So maybe ta tis why i want to have a few hours...days ... to myself and to deal wit what i am asking for. But i want you to ask for nothing. nothing at all....be right back... uhm...yeah... lol tha was good right? so i jus dunno..life seems so normal yet it seems so chaotic. but once again I'm ok with that. oh well. ok i am so sleepy so i guess i am going to bed pretty soon . love you Current mood: whatever.Current music: tv. so i went to mexico with laura and her cousin sammy and his boyfriend saturday. it was great. we drank all night friday... well until like 1am. then we got up at 5am and started getting ready for mexico. as usual i slept all the way to mexico. i jus can't seem to stay awake on such a long car ride. i spent most of the better part of the day trying to speak to the mexicians and get directions to the titty-bar. but you know.... no such luck. Right now i am trying to clean the tub. it is all clogged up. I am jus hoping i don't fuck shit up more. LOL cuz that is ever so possible. i have had 2 drinks so far.. adn i want another. LOL so i guess i will have to get another. I think i shall finish the night off with a beer. after the L word i am headed to the store. I'm pushing kristy outta my life. i have to make better of myself. And with the given situation it is gonna be a bit difficult to do jus that. But i am going to take the steps tha i need to to make things right. life is crazy. i am trying to make the most of it and make the right decisions. but you know i am feeling pretty shitty about my life. ugh... i dunno... but yeah i gotta go... Current mood: contemplative.
running wild. crazy insane. So i had a interesting night last night. now i am sitting at woman's apt. keeping away for the day. Shrugs. I don't really know what to do. We are gonna go fix the truck tire which blew out last night. we are jus waiting for kristy to get here. then i guess that... fuck i don't know... i'm wondering if i even give a fuck...well later. Current mood:  unhappy.
Dude guess what!!!! P!nk is releasing a new album. called I'm not dead. April 4th jus in time for my birthday! that fucking rocks my balls!!! pinkspage.com then did anyone see the bracelets they have now at www.one.org? i need one of those to add to my collection. So last night was the first night we spent in the new house. it was nice. I couldn't fall asleep, so i was actually pretty tired when i got up. but i feel ok now. I took joe to work and megan to school today. Now i am getting all of my things together so i can head out of town for the night. i keep getting side tracked as usual so i'm outta here :) Current mood:  random.
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